Time Turners vs TARDISes
by the.thirteenth.doctors
Summary: A blue box in the dormitory and thoughts that aren't hers, Hermione's day can't possibly get any weirder... Dramione and Master Who/ Doctor/Master (whatever the ship name is...)
1. Hermione's Day

My day had started badly enough without the Blue Box in the girls dormitory.

It all began at breakfast- Malfoy had started to strut towards the Gryffindor table alone (probably to tease Harry about something Harry hadn't done) and Harry had just opened his mouth when...

"Harry, be nice to Draco for once" it took me a moment to realise that I had said those words, not someone sitting next to me. But by then it was too late to redeem myself and laugh, or insult Draco. All I could do was wait for everyone else's reaction. Harry; stunned. Ron; confused (as usual). Draco; gone… No insult, no sneer, no nothing. He just stiffened and stalked back to his fellow Slytherins.

"Um… got to…. Bathroom" I mumbled before I ran out of the great hall. As I turned to close the doors as quietly as I could I saw Draco's face staring back at me from a sea of wizards.

I sat on the toilet, seat down as a torrent of thoughts drowned my subconscious.

_Why had I said those things?_

_Why did I look for Draco's face when I left?_

_When did Malfoy become Draco?_

The bell sounded loudly and I gathered up my books for Potions. Harry and Ron targeted me in the corridor but I ducked out of their way and sat next to Neville, who turned to me and sighed.

"Hermione! Thank goodness you're here! I thought I'd have to sit next to Seamus again; Gran had to send me a new cauldron!"

I could remember it well- it had been a normal potions lesson (Draco was still known as Malfoy) when Neville had screamed. Seamus next to him seemed fascinated by the turquoise and grey flames dancing in their shared cauldron. Neville sprang up, only to send the flames scattered everywhere where they incinerated anything they touched. Several people had been sent to the hospital wing with major burns- including Weasley.

_Wait, Weasley? Ron. Weasley was Ron, not Weasley. _ However, for now I put this out of my mind "Yeah," I said quickly, "Seamus is such a pyromaniac."

"Umm…" Neville looked confused

"Someone with the uncontrollable desire to set fire to things" I said quickly, then turned away. That was the end of our conversation.

As Snape wrote down the instructions for polyjuice potion, my thoughts drifted. Slowly my head turned to look at the back of Draco's. He said something about Potter and everyone around him laughed so I let out a small giggle; if everyone was laughing then it must be funny. I pulled my gaze away from Draco to start to get out my ingredients when I saw Potter- _Harry, his name was Harry- _looking at me in horror.

"Oh, lighten up," I whispered to him as I carried on getting my ingredients out. Suddenly, the bell sounded throughout the dungeon. "Wait!.. No…" It couldn't be! The lesson had just started…

Draco turned around and I saw a look of pity flash across his handsome features. _Did I just call Draco handsome? Ew. _Before he turned to give his sample to Professor Snape…

That night, as I lay in bed, I heard a loud wheezing noise and regular flashes of light coming from the end of my bed. I sat up, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. As I pulled on my dressing gown I saw the oddest thing…

_A Police Box._

In Hogwarts?


	2. The Blue Box

{A.N. Sorry, just realised I wrote this in a completely different tense and point of view. Martha wrote the last chapter and I'm tired, sorry!}

Laughter could be heard from inside. Shocked, Hermione pressed her ear to the side of the blue box. It sounded like someone was arguing with someone else . This was not normally so terrible, were it not for the box that had just appeared out of nowhere; one that would surely only fit one! She tumbled backwards as the door opened, sending her sprawling back into Parvati's bed. A lanky young man swung out holding on to the doors. He reminded Hermione a bit of an energetic giraffe. Too tired to protest, she simply put her hands above her head. "I've had a bad day. Leave me alone!" The man looked astounded. "What?" He asked, a silly grin beginning to tug at the corners of his mouth. "Who are you talking to?" The other voice demanded. The first man was shoved off the door as another slightly older man pushed past. This man was scruffy looking with messy blond hair and stubble and a black hoodie and jeans. Hermione raised her eyebrows. "Which spell did you use to make it bigger on the inside?!" She demanded, exhaustion forgotten. "That'd be so useful for my school bag!" The younger man with the floppy hair and bowtie grinned. "You understand dimensionally transcendental science?" "A little. It's similar to magic." She explained. The other man looked impressed. "Magic? Magic isn't real." Hermione put her hands on her hips. "Oh, really?" She said.

He folded his arms. "Prove it." She pulled out her wand. "Wingardium Leviosa." He surprised her by looking mildly bored, a little like Dra- Malfoy. She let the floating book fall. "That it?" He said. "Master..." The younger one warned. "What?" "Don't." The one addressed as 'Master' smirked (just like Malfoy, her brain unhelpfully reminded her) and stuck his tongue out at his friend or whatever he was. Then he turned back to her. "Who's Draco Malfoy?" He sing-songed. Hermione felt a violent blush attack her cheeks. The worst part was, she didn't know why. "He's... Um... He's a horrible lousy Slytherin git." 'Master' grinned. "Go on..." "And um, he has this horrible shiny blond hair- it's almost white- and stupid blue-grey eyes and a silly smirk like yours and he used to be really tiny and skinny and now he's all athletic and cute and I'M SO CONFUSED!" He turned to his companion and gave him a leery smile. "Well, Doctor? What's your verdict?" The Doctor rolled his eyes. "Stop teasing her, Master." The Master grinned. Hermione was in shock. And the Doctor was just mildly amused.

Suddenly, there was the sound of terrified shrieks and loud fast footfalls. The door sprang open with a splintering of wood and a clang of hinges. Someone burst into the room, in a flash of white, slamming the door and bolting it as hard as possible.

Draco Malfoy slumped to the floor, head in his hands, gasping for breath. He took a few shaky gulps of air and looked up to see Hermione with two men. Hermione's face was still a fierce shade of red and the two men were standing a little too close to each other, so he summed up the situation as quickly as possible with his dirty mind. "Threesome, Granger? Didn't know you liked it that way."

Hermione looked disgusted. "Ahhh... So he's this Drake guy? The one you like!" The Doctor crowed triumphantly.

Hermione had never wanted to crawl under something and die more than now... Though the look on Drac - Malfoy's!- face was worth it.

"Well, then." He said with a grin.


	3. Draco's Day

I ran through the school, panting. They were close behind me, so close… They had come out of nowhere! I could hear their excited screams, their feet thundering through the corridors. I nearly leapt past the portrait of the fat lady Hermione had vanished into a few hours earlier. It was the perfect hiding pace!

"Let me in!" I yelled. She didn't move. "Let me in you blibbering fool!"

"Well," the Fat Lady sniffed, "I don't like the context, but it _is_ the password."

I couldn't believe it - but no time to marvel at my excellence. I didn't pause to stare at the common room's splendour either; a mere wall couldn't stop my pursuers. There were stairs to my right, so I sprinted up them to find three snoring girls and- a blue box?

But this a no normal box; I could feel the power radiating from it, so, like an idiot, I placed my hand unsurely on the door. Suddenly, a jolt flew through me and I fell back onto the empty bed. It was like every inch of my body had been stung by a thousand bees.

"I'M SO CONFUSED!" It was Hermione's voice. I still buzzed all over, although curiosity got the better of me: Hermione, confused? I had to see this. The pain was worse this time, so bad that I, embarrassingly, cried out and had to sit down as soon as I got inside. Slowly, I looked up and saw Hermione standing over me, red faced, and a man either side of her. She looked beautiful, silhouetted against the blue green light, but I had a reputation to uphold.

"Threesome, Granger?" I felt bad the moment the words were out of my mouth, but the younger of the two men bent down and offered me his hand.

"So this is the Drake guy!" The man turned to Hermione, "The one you like!"

Hermione stared up at him in horror, and I thought I probably looked just as bad.

"Well then…" I managed to say past what seemed to be a pumpkin lodged in my throat. She liked me back! _She liked me back! _Before we could continue, however, one of the men pushed us outside of the box into the dormitory.

"Nice meeting you but the Doctor and I need to be…" he stole a quick glance over his shoulder, "Somewhere else. Byee!" Before he could shut the door, I slammed my foot in the way. It stung, but I couldn't let him leave us here.

"Don't leave us." I said as forcefully as I could.

"And why would that be?"

"Because… because…"

"Spit it out!"

"Because… There are**_ fangirls _**out there."

**FYI- Draco is electrocuted because, unlike Hermione, he is a 'pure-blood' and therefore more sensitive to the TARDIS. After all… ****"****Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.****"****_Arthur C Clarke_**


	4. The Only Thing That Scares The Master

The Only Thing That Scares The Master

I sucked in my breath slowly. FANGIRLS?! Trying hard not to show my horror, I looked at him. Quickly, I found the threads of his mind. I began to sieve through his memories... Interesting. He liked the bossy female? Enemies becoming lovers? Reminds me of something... Hmm...

"How many?" I asked absentmindedly. The Drake human swatted at invisible hands. "Get out of my head!" I left quickly. "Sorry," I said, though I wasn't. "The whole school!" I turned to look at Theta. He gulped nervously. "The whole school?!" He repeated.

"Yes! It all started when stupid Longbottom tried to make a Polyjuice potion! I was stuck with him as a partner, so he had to put a bit of my hair in it. Obviously, he had to go and mess it up, so it boiled away into vapour and infiltrated everyone's minds so that everyone has started to think like me! And then they all started worshipping me, which I didn't mind particularly, at least not until they started dragging me towards this massive stone box, with these strange circular runes on, saying they were going to "preserve" me forever! And so I ran! But they're out there now!" And if to demonstrate his point, a loud thud shook the dormitory door.

A shrill voice called out, "We don't want to hurt you, Drakey, we only want to plaaaaay!" The girl human shuddered. "Pansy." They both looked revolted. Then another yelled, "Come oooon, Maaalfoooooy! We want to be friends, like you said in first year!"

The Drake child's face blanched of any colour it had ever had. "Potter is a fangirl?!" The girl looked like she might vomit. I hoped she would aim for one of the sleeping girls.

Hey... We could have a projectile vomit competition! The winner gets to choose who fights the fangirls! Ah. Speaking of fangirls...

I glanced at Theta. He looked terrified. "Well..." I drawled. He gave me a look. "Fine. You can stay. We'll save our important arrangements for... later on. In you come."

Both scrambled into the TARDIS as quickly as humanly possible. The girl - was her name, Ganger?- looked appraisingly at the console, while the boy looked suitably bored. I decided I liked this Drake human. He reminded me of myself.

There was an awkward amount of tension, so I decided to make it worse by wrapping my arms around Theta, smirking at the humans as I did so. He glared at me in annoyance - I knew he hated public displays of affection - but gradually he put his (spectacular) chin on top of my head fondly. I sneaked a glance at the humans, who were both shifting awkwardly and looking elsewhere. Haha.

I decided that it was high time for my beautiful triumphant evil laugh: "Muahahahahahaha!" Theta jumped and the humans whipped out their wands. They glared at me for scaring them, but just as the bossy female was opening her mouth to lecture me - I know! A mere human lecturing a Time Lord!- we heard something terrible from outside the TARDIS.

The scratching of long fangirl nails scraping against the door. Bloody Rassilon! We'd forgotten about the ones asleep in the room...


	5. K

Fingernails scratched against the door, and I knew we were in trouble. The Doctor, to my surprise didn't look particularly flustered, but simply turned to Draco.

"Could you find this box again?"

"I guess…" Draco shrugged. "It's down in the girls toilets, in the sewers, I think."

"The Chamber of Secrets!" I yelled; of course! But the fangirls were still outside, waiting to get in…

"How will we get past-" I gestured to the door "-them?"

"Oh!" said the Doctor, "I can fix that..." he ran down some stairs, "… With this!" He held up a mangy-looking robot cat. " K "

"What does it do?" asked Draco, who looked wholly bored by the situation.

"Well… assuming it's you they want, we can program it to release some Drake pheromones so that they will follow this decoy!"

"It looks nothing like me"

"Doesn't need to, it will produce a hologram image of you that only they can see." We slowly opened the door and pushed K into the squabble of girls, who immediately screamed in enjoyment and started chasing after it into the corridor ahead.

The Doctor put a finger to his lips and tiptoed out of the TARDIS. Obviously, Draco made a big show of it, clenching his hands in front of him like a mincing rabbit and taking inch-long steps. I rolled my eyes, but even once we got into the corridor he didn't stop. Until he walked into one of the Hogwarts statues.

One that I hadn't seen before…

An angel…

The Doctor froze mid-step. "Whatever you do, Draco, _don't blink"_


	6. Don't Blink

"Whatever you do, Draco, don't blink."

Oh, no, no, no, not again. I thought they were gone for good this time... I can't deal with them again, not after the Ponds... Koschei clasps my hand in his. "Don't think about them, Doctor." Of course he knows. I must be broadcasting my thoughts in my panic. Okay, breathe, breathe, breathe.

I can see Hermione's face growing paler. It's obvious that she does care for him, whatever she pretends. I can't let her lose him. I cannot lose another one...

Only Draco and Koschei are calm. "Why aren't we blinking?" Draco asks, while Koschei is busy carving a rude message in Gallifreyan with his laser screwdriver into the Angel's arm, which is reaching out towards Draco. *How dare you?* We both freeze as we hear the Angel's shriek of outrage in our minds. "Oops..." The Master says sarcastically. "I am sooooo sorry." This time even Hermione and Draco wince as the Angel projects its fury into all of our heads. "Master, that was incredibly stupid!" I shout, still glaring forward at the Angel. He just smirks. "Whatever happened to 'darling' and 'sexy'?"

I'm glad that the children can't see my face blushing like a börshtaan (a really interesting type of fruit that I found on Aanicon one time, it's bright red and glows red in the dark...). "I have no idea what you are talking about, Master." He just grins. I can sense it. Irritating Dalek-face.

Suddenly the lights begin to flicker. Click. Blackness. Koschei's hand is ripped from mine. Oh, please no... I howl his name into the dark. Click.

The lights are back, but we can now see something much worse than an old angel statue.

A Weeping Angel is crouched over the prone body of my oldest companion. He is still grinning away, blond hair messed up and sticking up in all directions, black top ripped and torn. But the truly terrible thing is the angle of his head. A scarlet cloud invades my senses. I feel sick. Koschei lies on the floor, blood bubbling out of the unnatural bend of his neck.

The Angel smiles, fresh blood on its hands and fingernails. I know that I'm screaming, but I am powerless to stop myself.

No, no, no... Please, no... His hazel-green eyes are wide with laughter, but the light within has gone out. No. This can't be happening again. Not again. No. Not again. I sink to my knees, cradle his head in my arms. A horrible sense of déjà vu overtakes me and I hate that he's left me again.

Hermione tugs at my sleeve. "Doctor..." She says in a tiny voice. I tear my eyes away from my fallen... friend... and look at her. She wordlessly points to the stone wall. I feel the anger bubbling up in my veins again. It - that disgusting creature - has smeared my Koschei's blood on the wall. In words. Horrible, taunting words. It says, "Doctor, I'm waiting. Off you pop to the cellar."

And then a tiny smile creeps onto my face. Maybe the Angel didn't write that. Maybe he did...

*Run, Doctor...* The Angel hisses. *I want to see you run from me...* "Oh, shut UP!" I yell. Hermione and Draco exchange a worried glance.

I move to reprogramme the sonic to destroy stone, but instead my fingers find Koschei's laser screwdriver. Oh, you brilliant man... He's already set a programme for stone... You beautiful, clever, sexy thing, Koschei... I punch the air in delight. "Goodbye, Stoney!"

I laugh, and before it can project its confusion into my head, I transfer the programme onto my sonic, because obviously the isomorphic controls mean I can't use his...

With a shriek, Stoney is destroyed into a fine ashy powder. Hermione and Draco laugh in delight and embrace. (Awwww...) "Right then. Sorry to cut in the festivities, but we have a box to find." I haul Koschei's body over my shoulder (Omega's Underpants, he's heavy...) and we start towards the girls' toilets, Hermione leading the way.

By the time we get there, we have had to run around the fangirls - still chasing K , and almost got attacked by a grouchy caretaker.

In the bathroom, a girl "ghost" - level two soul projection, obviously - swoops on us and demands that when Koschei becomes a "ghost" we visit her because he's "hot" (he is, but you didn't hear it from me...).

Finally, when we reach the so called "Chamber of Secrets", only guarding it are three more "fangirls".

"Oh, Merlin!" shrieks Hermione. "Snape, Dumbledore and McGonagall are FANGIRLS?!"

"Good evening, children." A man with greasy black hair and a crooked nose drawls.

The old man with the silver hair and beard and the old lady with a severe bun and green robes throw themselves at Draco's feet. "I'll never give you detention again!" Wails the lady. "I never really favoured Gryffindor... And Harry's nowhere near as clever or handsome as you, Draco..." The man sobs.

Draco looks terrified, which is the most expression I have seen on his snooty face. Then to top it off, Snape (presumably the bat- like man) ripped open his robes to reveal lime green t-shirt that read "I love Malfoy" with a huge picture of Draco's face and pink boxer shorts with little black bats on them. We looked at him and then at each other. Then we screamed.

Snape looked confused. When Draco had finished screaming, he gasped out, "If you are true fans, you will go back to patrolling the school, to protect me." The three adults nodded eagerly and scampered away, cloaks billowing.

"Well, that was disturbing..." Draco muttered. Hermione raised an eyebrow. "You think?" Her voice dripped with sarcasm. He rolled his eyes. "Shut up, Granger." I turned back to the box, which was making a strange clicking noise. A small smear of blood rested on the front. I must have accidentally brushed Koschei's body against it...

But what was it doing? I pressed my ear against it. Opening? I could hear thousands of locks opening, all clicking and whirring away.

.. But that meant... Oh, Koschei... You clever boy...

"Uh... Doctor...?" I spun around. A figure, glowing bright in the gloom was sprinting towards us, arms waving above its head frantically. "Is he...?" "On fire?!" Hermione finished my sentence with a squeak.

I turned back. I had more pressing issues on my mind. The final lock made a loud groan as the doors slowly opened. A cloud of steam gushed out.

I stepped closer. A figure sat inside, head held high. A young man, with piercing blue-green eyes, dark hair and cheekbones to cut diamonds with.

When he saw me, he smirked. "Hello, darling." Seriously? This was his next regeneration? "You... You're..." I threw myself into his arms and his eyes widened. "Oh, you sexy thing!" He grinned and opened his mouth to say something (annoying, most likely).

I took full advantage of the situation, and kissed him earnestly. At first, he went rigid, but then he gradually wound his arms around my neck and kissed me back.

Suddenly Hermione broke the silence, by shrieking, "VOLDEMORT'S NIPPLE! It's BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH!"

I heard Draco laughing, but right now I didn't care. Well, at least not until I heard a new voice, yelling, "Hands above your heads! Hands up by order of Team Leo!" Oh. That's what happened to the guy on fire...


	7. The Pandorica

**Leo's p.o.v.**

**A/N Comment if you think you can pronounce Moriarty's evil laugh!**

I had been guarding my Pandorica for hours now, and honestly, this place needed a bit of excitement. So, you can understand my reaction when three people ran down some steps- from an entrance only I should have been able to activate- and freakin' opened my Pandorica! My Pandorica! Only dad and I should be able to open that. (I should know- I built it.) Unless…  
>I ran towards them, hands ablaze, screaming my head off. If they were who I thought they were, then I had done it! Rachel had told me, and if it was true...<br>"Where's Calypsooooooo?!" I bellowed as I sprinted towards them. My whole body was ignited now, just any chance to see her again…  
>However, as I got closer, I saw the girl, about my age. She had long, frizzy brown hair. She reminded me of someone… Someone bad. I took a different approach; I must be within hearing distance now.<br>"HANDS UP, ABOVE YOUR HEADS! BY ORDER OF TEAM LEO OF CAMP HALF BLOOD!"  
>She turned around and her eyes widened in horror, her hands flew to her mouth and she screamed. I realised how bad I looked and slowed a little. I waved my hands above my head.<br>"Hi! I'm Leo!" I saw three guys, two of which were holding hands. _ Sweet _I thought. The tall one with the cheekbones had just come out of the Pandorica, the shorter one looked a little embarrassed at being interrupted in whatever they had been doing but I overlooked that. The annoying-looking blonde boy was staring at me like I was the only flame-welding kid in the world and the girl looked a bit more relieved now that she knew I wasn't burning to death. I waved and tried to look friendly.  
>"How do you do that?" She asked.<br>I shrugged, "Just can," I turned to the other guys, who were standing a little further apart, "How did you get out of my Pandorica?"  
>"<em>Your<em> Pandorica?" The younger one asked  
>"My dad's, I just fixed it up a bit after the last guy threw it off a cliff, and now I guard it. Where's Calypso?" I threw the last question at him, hoping to catch him off guard, but…<br>"How does it work?"

I leant on the Pandorica smugly, until I felt myself sinking lowly into the molten metal I had accidentally created; I was still alight. "Oh gods!" I yelled and quickly extinguished my flame. I blew on the metal and tried to mould it into shape again, but it was no use. I had broken it. "Umm, well it did work as a kind of thumbprint scanner thingy, but with your DNA. It should have only opened to my dad and his kids- so who are you?  
>Before he could answer, though, I heard a voice at the far end of the hall.<p>

"So, we meet again, Mr Holmes…"  
>"Oh<em> damn"<em> muttered the cheekboney one as he tried to shuffle around the side of the Pandorica furthest from the shadows where the voice came from.  
>"Who is it?" whispered the other man.<br>"Well, you know I took up the most ludicrous legal name I could find?.."  
>"Benedict Cumberbatch" whispered the girl.<br>"Yeah, well I used my brilliant acting skills in a television program by the BBC, called 'Sherlock' and this guy," he nodded towards the voice, "played my nemesis, Moriarty. But something went wrong in filming and now he believes that everything we did was real."  
>Suddenly, the voice came again. "Yahaiablhakuqakalkunoot!" Which I guess was his messed up 'evil' laugh. "Did you get my text?" he asked in a sing song voice, "You never replied…"<br>"It wasn't my phone!" the tall man yelled back, "It was a prop! Now go home and stop stalking me!"

All of a sudden, a beaten up cat automaton trundled into the hall. I could see an open circuit on it's head that could do with replacing and covering up, and it looked like one of the wheels was stiff. Automatically I reached inside my tool belt but before I could whip out a screwdriver and circuitboard, I heard the rumble of oncoming feet and squeals of delight.

"Oh dear god," muttered the blonde boy, "Talking of stalkers..."


	8. Moriarty Learns A Lesson

**A/N: Did anyone manage to get the laugh right? Martha will tell you how to pronounce it next chapter! This chapter is dedicated to Kerenza, our first proper fangirl!**

WARNING! Involves Moriarty and the Doctor having a childish Mean Girls style bitch fight!

Doctor P.O.V:

A spotlight lit up at the far end of the so-called Chamber of Secrets, illuminating a slight, though I had to admit, elegant looking man in a light grey suit.

He waved lazily at Koschei, who was uncharacteristically trying to hide behind me. "Did you get my text?" The man sang. I could almost feel Koschei rolling his lovely new eyes. "It wasn't my phone. I don't even have a phone! It was just a prop. Now go home and stop stalking me!"

'Moriarty' pouted. "Then you leave me no choice, darling." He snapped his fingers, and to my horror, in rolled K ; and not too far behind him, the sound of thundering feet. Koschei gripped my shoulders in alarm. To my annoyance, I found that he was actually a good inch or so taller than me (for once!) and I wouldn't be calling him mini-Master again any time soon... (Damn, I did love that nickname... )

"Call them off, Andrew!" He yelled. Andrew/Moriarty giggled and pretended to inspect his nails. "Who's Andrew? Your pet?" Koschei buried his face in his palm. "I meant, you, Moriarty."

The guy (I was starting to hate him more and more, and hate is a big deal for me) looked like it was his birthday, and Koschei was the cake. "Are you begging, Sherley?"

He growled through gritted teeth, "For the last time, don't call me that. You may call me either Master, or..." He paused, and then a smile tugged at the corners of his lips. "My lord. Or my lord and Master, whichever you prefer."

Draco and Hermione exchanged a look. "Voldemort?!" She hissed. As the sound of footsteps got louder, I noticed the Leo guy was sealing up the door with some kind of gadget from his tool belt. He gave me a pointed look as he noticed my gaze, and he mouthed something that looked like 'moving in for the kill'. I turned so fast I almost got whiplash.

Moriarty was uncomfortably close to the Master, who looked like an extremely cheekboney deer caught in headlights. "I wouldn't expect anything else from my archenemy, now would I, Sherlock?" He was purring.

Just to break up the confrontation, I jumped between Koschei (relieved) and Moriarty (annoyed) and whined, "Hey, I thought I was your archenemy!" Moriarty looked scandalised. "Of course not." He hissed. "Sherley is MINE." Koschei turned even paler. "Excuse me?" I drew myself up to my full giraffey height, and glared daggers at him. "Ladies, please..." He said, nervously. I would get him for that later. In the mean time...

"Master! Aren't I your archenemy? I thought we were archenemies!" He looked even more uncomfortable. "Well, you are my... er... Arch Nemesis, because you are... Special. I think." I let out an embarrassingly effeminate squawk of triumph. "Take that, Moriarty! I'm his Arch Nemesis!" I blew a raspberry right in his face. He looked horrified. "But Sherlock!" He whined. "I'm more of an Arch Nemesis than he is! I bet he's never made you jump off a roof before!" Grudgingly, he nodded. "That's true..." Disgraceful. He should be sticking up for me. "Alright, you can both be my archenemies." In unison, as only very immature "adults" can, we both whinged, "But I want to be your ONLY Arch Nemesis!" We scowled at each other and cracked our knuckles. He looked between us, utterly lost for once in his life. So I took his distraction as an opportunity to bitch-slap Moriarty as hard as I could across the face. His face made a CRACK sound as my palm hit it, which caused Moriarty to scream,"AAAaaaaaaooooooooooowwww!" (Which probably wasn't spelt like that), bringing the Master's attention back to the present. "Doctor!" He gasped. "Yes?" I said smugly, examining my suddenly terribly fascinating nails. Moriarty rubbed his cheek in agony, mouth gaping open and closed like a fish.

Then...

"Um, sir?" I spun around to face a sheepish Leo. "A bit of help, please?" On either side of him were two girls with crazed grins plastered onto their manic faces, wands pointed at his head. Twins. One in blue pyjamas, the other in pink. Together, they chanted, "We want our Draco!"

I drew in my breath. "Everybody calm. No sudden movements." I waved my hand slowly in front of their eyes. No reaction. Draco inched slowly forward. Snap. They were now pointing their wands at Hermione. Draco swore so badly it had to be edited out by the author. "Draco!" Hermione yelped. He lunged towards the fangirl twins, "Stupefy!" Hermione yelled, just as he was shouting, "Rejuvenatum!"

Unfortunately, he slipped, and the last thing I remember was a jet of gold light hitting me in the chest, before I felt so, so sleepy and wondered why I was falling when I hit the ground and the world's light went out...

**A.N. Okay, I was a bit mean to Moriarty in this chapter. I do love him really, I just felt it was necessary... Muahahahaha, or should I say, "Yahaiablhakuqak!"**


	9. Rejuvenatum!

I stared at what had happened- at what I had created. Parvati and Padma were lying spread-eagled on the floor, rendered unconscious by Hermione's spell. But what about mine?..

A lone fez was wobbling on the floor next to crumpled suit and a shiny shoe. Leo stepped out from behind the Pandorica, followed by an eight year old, frizzy haired, buck toothed,

"Hermione?!" She rolled her eyes and, when she spoke I was horrified to see that she had a lisp!

"Dwaco, you thilly! Why did you uthe the thpell to make them younger?"

"Umm, I thought they'd be easier to deal with." I hung my head; even at eight, Hermione had the intelligence to make anyone feel inferior.

"Oh, but it refwected off K and hit uth! I uthed a counter thpell but it made me a bit younger, although they will gwow up it would be a lot eathier jutht to take them to Thnape."

Suddenly, the fez tipped over and out crawled a baby (probably the Doctor). It rolled around and chewed it's toes.

"He won't wemember anything until he ith 907 again." Hermione said. I could already see him getting taller by the second, his now blonde hair was growing and soon he looked around three years old. It was the same for the Master, who had crawled out of his suit, though his hair was black. However, Moriarty still only looked a few weeks old.

"Should we get them out of here?" said Leo - _dammit, I'd forgotten he was here_ - "because if this Snape guy can put them back, it would be good. I'll get a cart to put them in."  
>It seemed that Leo was some kind of superman, as he pulled bits of wood and nails from his belt and after no less than three minutes, had built a cart ready to transport the Doctor, the Master and Moriarty in. He opened up the back so that it formed a ramp, so I put Moriarty (still in his shoe) in it but I gestured for the Doctor and Master to climb up the steps as they could already walk and looked about five. They were giggling at something probably extremely childish and looking up at me and Hermione (who was about twelve now).<p>

"Er, get in the cart!" I said as forcefully and authoritively as I could. The Master obediently walked into the cart and sat down, awaiting instructions. This surprised me as I thought the Master would be the annoying one who never did as he was told, _not _the Doctor, who was sitting on the floor with his arms crossed. "Get in the cart!" I said again, but he simply looked me in the eye and said,

"I'm hungry."

This was getting ridiculous! So I turned and started walking off without him, although I didn't mean to really leave him behind, I was just making a point. To my surprise though, as soon as the cart started to move,

"THEETAAAAA!" the Master started yelling, and he started to cry, even at age 8! To my surprise the Doctor sighed, and got up to comfort the Master in the cart.

After that odd episode, Leo, Hermione, baby Moriarty, a sobbing Master, a bored-looking Doctor and I trundled off towards Snape, and hopefully an antidote.


	10. Snape Doesn't Do Cuddles

(A.N. Not really from anyone's POV. Btw, the laugh ((I think)) is pronounced "Ya-hye-yabla-koo-quack")

Draco trundled the cart (he wouldn't be seen dead with a pram, anyway) along behind him; Hermione, now back to fifteen, followed behind, her hair longer and straighter, the Doctor, now looking about thirteen with fluffy blond hair and big green eyes, was having all very interesting discussion in a tongue Draco didn't understand with the Master, a little older looking, with longish black hair that fell carelessly over his eyes, which were a dark blue that caught even Hermione's gaze for a second, making Draco scowl. Whatever they were talking about made the Doctor smirk devilishly and the Master squeal "Theta!" a few times. Luckily, they were all saved from the injustice of nudity, because Hermione had remembered a spell that let your clothes grow with you. Baby Moriarty just smiled adorably and gurgled, now about 6 months old. By the time they reached the Dungeons, the cart wasn't needed, as Moriarty was crawling, and the Master had ordered the Doctor to carry him because he didn't feel like walking. The Doctor, looking about twenty five, just looked adoringly up at him. So Leo sat in the cart, and pushed himself along. "I think that Padma and Parvati were the leaders, and now that they're stunned, everyone's stopped being fangirls!" Hermione exclaimed, as Snape opened the door of his office looking bored. His eyes widened slightly as he saw the assortment of people behind Draco and Hermione. Moriarty was being cuddled by Leo, the Doctor and the Master were holding hands and looked about eighty, and weirdest of all, Hermione and Draco was standing together without fighting... Snape just blinked. "Hello, old chap, Snape, is it? We hear you have an antidote for this pesky Rejuvenatum curse?" They all turned to see that the Doctor had changed again. He now had fluffy white hair and a long purple cape. The Master had grown a moustache and beard that he didn't seem too happy about. Snape looked at them all, his face paling even more, if that was possible. Then, to top it off, Moriarty jumped out of Leo's arms and clutched Snape's legs delightedly. "SNAPEY!" He yelled excitedly. Snape fainted dead away...

When Snape woke up, a baby was asleep on his chest, tiny fingers curled in his greasy black hair. His eyes widened in horror. What in Merlin's name..? He sat up, holding the baby away from him at arms length. "Ah, you're awake! Would you care for a jelly baby?" A wild eyed man with curly hair grinned toothily at him, offering a white paper bag. Snape cautiously took a green one and sucked it thoughtfully. "Er... What's going on?" Snape tried to remain haughty, but really, in this ridiculous situation it was hard to. In his hands, the baby stirred. Snape stared at it. He was not good with children, especially not small ones... He supposed it was quite sweet, with little tufts of light brown hair and wide brown eyes. Snape and the baby gazed at each other for a second. Then the baby yawned, teeny tiny white teeth showing in it's mouth. Snape felt the corners of his mouth twitching up into a smile. Hermione gasped in terror and his head snapped up. "Miss Granger." Upon noticing his favourite student, he nodded. "Mr Malfoy. Why is there a baby on my person? And where did that other guy go?" The Curly One sniggered. "Oh, he's just hiding 'cause he went all crispy again..." "I AM NOT CRISPY!" Yelled another male voice from outside. Suddenly, the Curly One began to shake and his face started to change. Snape just watched in horror, hugging the baby closer. Then he stopped shaking and where he had been stood, a young blond man dressed in cricket flannels and stripy trousers now was. "Master! You'll like this..." The other man came rushing in, presumably no longer "crispy", whatever that meant. He now had a completely different face, with slicked back black hair and a slightly different weird moustache. Snape just gawped. "It's FIVEY!" The man squealed. Cricket Candycane looked confused and embarrassed. "Uh, what?" The man with the moustache rushed forward and embraced him. Then to Snape's disgust and confusion, the blond smiled fondly and kissed Moustache Face. "Mr Malfoy! Miss Granger! Please explain!" Hermione giggled. "Oh, we came across a pair of gay aliens and they got turned younger as well as Moriarty, who thinks his name is "Marty" now... Oh, that's him, you're cuddling him." Snape spluttered. "I most certainly am NOT! I do not cuddle -" He was interrupted by Moriarty yawning adorably. "Snapey..." The baby criminal mastermind gurgled. Snape blushed bashfully. "Oh, he's sweet... I -uh, what? Who said that?" Snape was doing a terrible job of disguising his affection for the tiny genius. The Doctor and the Master suddenly broke apart, and their faces were completely different, yet again. The Doctor had long honey coloured curls and sweet blue eyes. "YES!" Shrieked the Master, new brilliant green eyes blazing with excitement. "I start kissing Five, and then I get Eight when I stop! I love this!" And he dived in for another snog. Snape turned a weird green colour. "Anyway..." Draco said hurriedly. "We need a Rejuvenatum antidote..." Snape noticed he was holding Hermione's hand. "Oh, MERLIN!" He screamed. "Enough with the PDA-ing!" His screech was so loud, even the engrossed Time Lords broke apart, one now in a leather jacket, the other with silvery hair and a smirk better than Malfoy's. There was a pause. Then... "Snapey... Marty needs a new nappy... "

Snape fainted away onto the cobbled dungeon flagtiles.


	11. Talking 'bout regeneration

Hermione had not liked being 10 again. It had been an odd feeling, 2she could only half remember her normal life as though it had all been a dream, and details had kept slipping away...  
>Growing up quickly had been a horrible sensation- going through all the changes that would normally take years had been uncomfortable enough, but her legs felt as though they had been stretched painfully and for a long time. But her lisp, she had forgotten about the lisp. It had taken her a year of training her mouth to pronounce certain sounds correctly and when the spell hit her she had been worried that it would take another year. But there were more pressing matters at hand...<p>

Moriarty looked around, five now, and the Doctor and the Master were back to their normal ages. But they would still need the antidote or they would keep ageing until- she didn't like to think about it. Suddenly Snape sat up and baby Moriarty lost his grip on Snape's greasy locks and was thrown across the room. He fell in a heap, but sat up, laughing.  
>"Wha- wha- oh. You're still here." he stammered and looked incredibly confused. The Doctor, however, cried out,<br>"Ow! Oh, wait, I'm not ready!" he stared, wild eyed and panicky at the Master, who seemed to be going through the same thing.  
>"But I don't have any more... I used them all up!" The Doctor kept mumbling as he patted his pockets as though he would find a spare regeneration in there.<br>"This regeneration is weird... different" The Master muttered. "Wait! " he yelled suddenly at the Doctor, and everybody in the room froze. "I think that this one-" he was cut off mid-sentence as golden light poured out of his sleeves and neck. It only lasted a second, but when the Master turned around there was a very obvious change.  
>"That's the Mistress to you." she said to me. Hermione stared at Draco, who looked stunned, and Leo was trying to suppress a laugh. The Doctor stared at her, obviously horrified.<br>"But I only just got used to men..." he whispered before his head snapped back and light flew from his hands and neck. When the light stopped, however, he had greying hair, wide eyes and eyebrows that could take bottle tops off. He looked very angry.

Snape fainted, again.


End file.
